a new blog, because I can't deal with these emotions. maybe it's because of the overproduction of estrogen and luteanizing hormone (thanks biology) coursing through my blood right now, or maybe it's these tests, but I can't handle this. I'm not exactly sure where this started, only that I fucking miss my boyfriend. I have no alone time with him, no emotional moments, no physical moments, no intellectual moments--just smalltalk. i can't remember the last time we kissed, let alone the last time I've been able to hold him. and it's like this every year during may, but I'm going insane. we never talk. and when we do, I dont feel like he listens and then I overshare and he gets bored. and I'm just scared. normally I find it funny when girls hit on dylan because I know they don't stand a chance with him. but in June, one of dylan's close girl friends (like best friends who are crushing on each other close) is moving back from new mexico. like, he's written a song about her. and he didn't tell me that she's moving back, I just happened upon his mentioning it on her facebook. it's so stupid but I'm terrified that because things aren't great between us, that something will happen. because that's what happened to let me into his life. of course there were several other issues with that, but still. it scares me because I dont want to be dylans next ex. I hate it when he trashtalks kayman or april because all I can think of are the horrible things he'll tell his next girlfriend about me, and it breaks me. this is overreacting and I should just say this to his face (I wish I could) but I just want reassurance. I don't want to feel so alone anymore. I just want things to be good again so that this girl's coming back won't mean as much as it has the potential to.
it just makes me start bawling and get incredibly nauseous to think about this and I hate it
